My mother-in-law had an interesting insight. We were discussing the much publicised case of nurse Aruna Shanbagh who was then lying in a vegetative state, cared for by the nurses at the hospital where she had worked. The nurses felt like Gods, my mother-in-law said, because they were demonstrating selflessness by caring for Aruna. But did anyone think about how Aruna felt? Would she have wanted all this fuss given her condition? Wouldn’t she have liked the ordeal to end? The lack of purpose robs the joy of living. If one’s life is reduced to dependence on others for the simplest tasks, there is a deep loss of self respect. That despair also manifests as anger, selfishness, harsh words, or sheer indifference.
Not everyone can exercise patience and exhibit gratitude when there is such a severe lack of control on one’s life and its basic functions. How can we even prepare? How can we deal with our age, infirmities, illnesses and the inevitable end? How can we try to make it better for ourselves and for others who care for us? First, as my dear friend Jo reminded me several times, take charge of what you can. Begin today. You are responsible for your limbs. Use them or lose them. Be determined to live healthy, and take care of what you can. Keep fit and flexible, and be determined to remain as independent as you can. Allocate a portion of your current income to your health and well being. Invest in yourself. Without the commitment of time and money, your personal goals will remain on paper.
Second, don’t keep a complicated financial life. You don’t want to lose control of your health and spend your last days worrying whether you told your children about the plot of land in the native village; the unpaid loan to a dear friend; or the unclaimed bond that matured last year. Keep your affairs simple, well listed and operational. Make it easy for others to use your money for your health needs if the need arises. Make it easy to delegate and hand over.
Third, consider the merits of a paid caregiver. Instead of allocating large amounts of money for complex healthcare, unutilised assets, or unnecessarily large bequests, decide to allocate money for your care, where it matters. Instead of expecting your children and near and dear ones to wait on you, accept that serving your basic everyday needs is a chore, and paid services should adequately take care of it. Remove emotion from your healthcare to the extent possible. Make funding this goal part of your financial planning.
Fourth, there is considerable merit in the idea of palliative care. You can choose to remain in the comfort of home, manage pain and discomfort with basic medication, and refuse intrusive medical attention that is expensive and prolongs a purposeless existence. The right to remain without hospitalisation is yours, only if you make the choice. You can make a living will that expressly stops intrusive hospitalisations, and allows you to refuse life-supportive equipment to keep you breathing.
Fifth, surround yourself with like minded people. If you have aged and have a lot of time in hand, your children and grandchildren would be busy chasing their work, studies and various life goals. Instead of accusing them of neglecting you, find others that have the time and similar interests. Social media platforms enable you to connect with a larger set of like-minded people, and keeps you engaged too. Make the most of it.
Sixth, do not let nostalgia take over and convert you into a whining elder who fails to see any merit in the present day and way of life. Every generation has assumed that the next is headed towards doom. There is no way you will be able to live the life of the next generation for you cannot occupy their world. That does not make their world inferior to yours. Good old days are just psychologically satisfying reflections. They don’t mean much otherwise, as no one would be in reality willing to traverse to that world and live there.
Seventh, liberate your children from burdensome feelings of guilt, and the millstone of gratitude. What you did for them, they are busy doing for their children. That is how it should be. Keep a portion of your wealth for yourself, and give away what you can while you are alive. Several meaningful life goals of your children, your siblings, your caregivers, and others who have supported you, can be funded from your hoard of wealth that you somehow believe should not be touched while you are alive.
Question that time line. Get realistic about what you need and make the right decisions about what you can give away. Financial planning for old age and illness need not be narrowly restricted to providing for health insurance and covering medical costs. You don’t have to bear the burden of dependence by losing control over what will be spent on your health and what kind of care you will receive. You can take charge and allocate money in the present.
(The author is Chairperson, CIEL)
