Six months have passed since my last horrible breakup. I have tried to heal myself in many ways: self-love, letting go of things that were holding me back and learning new skills, just generally enjoying my life a bit more. I want to breathe freely without feeling crestfallen.
Over the past six months, I have managed to get a better job, a better place, meaningful friendships and traveled to new places. But there’s one thing I know, with this damaged and broken soul of mine: I have not been the same since.
I’m over 30, I’m knowledgeable, have great technical skills with an okay salary. I have a house in the city and my parents also live there. I have good communication skills and people say that I’m a sensitive person, my job requires me to work with people after all.
As for physical appearance, I’m not traditionally attractive but okay looking. Personality-wise, I’m always devoted to others and never calculating. I have many friends and still maintain a close relationship with my former colleagues, even when I no longer work there.
Ever since I was a kid, I have always been a popular student at school. However, in romantic relationships, even when they started out beautiful, once they ended, I was left with a broken heart and feeling like I had been lied to.
My first love started when I was in high school and it went into full bloom when I started college. My boyfriend at the time was the typical Prince Charming: handsome, academically excellent, and kind.
Even now, he is still my perfect type of boyfriend, both in terms of appearance and personality. We both worked hard together to get into the same program and the same class at a top ranked university.
I never would have thought that such a beautiful relationship could face any significant hardships, until he had to switch to another college due to personal and family problems. He went back to his hometown and broke up with me on his first day there.
I now realize that he was just looking for an excuse to end our relationship. And I, on the other hand, gave my entire love to him. The heartbreak that a young girl had to endure from her first failed relationship destroyed my ability to harbor feelings of love for others.
I have been missing him for 10 years now, my heart still hurts so much from that pain that I was incapable of loving anyone else, even though a lot of people had eyes for me. As a matter of fact, I have mastered the “skill” of turning down other people’s advances because I don’t want to share with anyone my feelings.
After more than 10 years, maturity has forced me to change my mindset, I gradually opened up my heart and another man came into my life at exactly the right time.
We met through a group of mutual friends and ever since our first meeting, he had always treated me like I’m someone very special to him and he cared about me a great deal more than others did. I decided to give myself a chance to embrace love after so long. We got close extremely fast and were in a relationship for a couple of months.
Just when I thought we were ready to take another step in our relationship, he suddenly did a 180-degree and switched to another woman. I had to laugh at myself there; it was like a brutal slap in the face. When I tried to open up my heart, I was met with deceit.
I thought it was time to end this foolishness, but then I made another mistake. I had loved another man, someone that is entirely different from my perfect first boyfriend and from my second situationship. He won me over with his patience and affection, even when I rejected him at first.
He never denied me anything, never got mad at me, nor did he ever leave me behind. He gave me all his love that was so beautiful that no romantic movies could put it into words. And so, I returned his affection.
With this relationship, I decided to gamble on this person, “the one.” I thought that he loved me more than I loved him, so there was no way he could ever hurt me. I didn’t know I was capable of loving him that much until he decided to marry someone else.
It turns out that the one who would sleep next to him every night, cook his meals and raise his children was never going to be me. What’s worse is that I only found out when the wedding invitations were being sent out. I had a mental breakdown because he knew more than anyone else the pain I had gone through from my previous relationships. He promised to never leave me, and ended up hurting me in the worst possible way.
Half a year has gone by and I’m still breathing, working, going out with friends and family, and am a rock to many people. My life has since been much livelier and better. But after attending a friend’s wedding and seeing all the happiness on stage, I thought about how he used to stand there. I was hit with a sudden wave of profound sadness, so much that I couldn’t breathe and felt like throwing up. I then realized that the bread was still there in my heart and had yet to subsidize. Will I have to endure another 10 years trying to forget this lost love of mine? Will I even be able to?
People say that sometimes things don’t work out because God is trying to protect us from the consequences. But after going through a life full of painful heartbreaks and seeing my friends enjoying smooth-sailing relationships and eventual marriages, I wondered if it’s because I have done something wrong and unworthy of love.
I have always been met with devastating heartbreaks even though I have put my guard up time and time again. I am no longer a naive girl, but romance has been so cruel to me that the atheist in me has to wonder if it is my destiny to stay forever alone.
I still want to love and be loved, but it’s just so hard to believe in it anymore.
