It typically breeds insecurity among men, leading not only to friction and fights, but in some cases, even breakdown of the relationship. The woman, on her part, either ends up feeling guilty, resentful, or assumes the upper hand in the relationship. How should she handle such a situation without causing a rift, or should the onus of stabilising the relationship be on her at all?
1. Do not feel apologetic
Some women are apologetic about earning more than their husbands and feel the urge to appease them to make up for it. However, it is not an act that should induce guilt. You have worked hard to achieve the professional status and earning ability in your career in the same way that a man would. Centuries of conditioning have ingrained the belief that men should be the primary earners and caretakers, and they find it hard to adjust to the new paradigm. However, it is still not your responsibility to make him feel better because he is not making as much money as you. It is something he needs to deal with on his own without making you feel bad about it.
2. Is the relationship strong?
If the husband is belittling the wife or making her feel small and inadequate because she is earning more, it is likely that he already suffered from insecurities and the relationship was not too strong to begin with. These insecurities would have surfaced long before the issue of financial disparity came to fore. The income skew would only have exacerbated the problem. It is, therefore, imperative that the couple address the deeper, underlying issues with the help of a behavioural therapist before harping on the income imbalance.
3. Have an open discussion
If you feel that the problem began only after the rise in your income and that the relationship had been strong and stable for a number of years, it is a good idea to thrash out the problem with a frank, open discussion. Communication can be key to resolving this problem. Try to understand what in particular is bothering your spouse about the financial disparity and make an effort to address it. If it is the feeling of loss of control, perhaps he can take charge of investing and saving or maintaining the household budget. Both of you could also look for ways he can optimise his potential and secure a higher paying job, say, through upskilling or further studies, or with the help of a career counsellor.
4. Seek a counsellor
If there are deeper psychological issues or the marriage is already under stress, it is best to seek the help of a marriage counsellor, psychologist or a behavioural therapist at the earliest, long before the financial issues cause a wider rift. Even if the marriage is reasonably strong and you feel the strain due to the financial imbalance in salaries, it may be a good idea to take the help of a marriage counsellor to guide you through the bad patch.
If you have a wealth whine, write to us…
All of us have been in a financial dilemma when it comes to relationships. How do you say no to a friend who wants you to invest in his new business venture? Should you take a loan from your married brother? Are you concerned about your wife’s impulse buying? If you have any such concerns that are hard to resolve, write in to us at etwealth@timesgroup.com with ‘Wealth Whines’ as the subject.
(Disclaimer: The advice in this column is not from a licensed healthcare professional and should not be construed as psychological counselling, therapy or medical advice. ET Wealth and the writer will not be responsible for the outcome of the suggestions made in the column.)
